plural vent #1
Mar. 23rd, 2026 06:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oegyeinjaeplurality for us has just been getting more and more not fun the more we learn and deal with being a system. for a while it was completely neutral for us, just something that we learned about ourselves and became a fact of our life quickly, but i swear the more time that passes the harder it gets for us. and im sure it won't always be like this but it just sucks sometimes.
i don't feel like i have control over my own body sometimes, and that is really an awful feeling. it's not that i want to take that control from anyone else in the system, i don't want to do that to anyone in here and i never would intentionally, but it just really sucks to feel like i have no control of the things im doing or feeling, even if i recognize its another part that is feeling and doing these things. i still have to deal with it in some ways, and because of that it still feels like me losing control of myself in a way. having to feel emotions that don't feel like my own makes me feel like i'm being suffocated and having things forced onto me. having memories of doing things or thinking things that don't feel like me or are actively something i would never do makes me feel wrong. and there are members of our system that do feel like me, or proper parts of me, and there are other members that are much too different for me to feel truly connected to them, but no mater the disconnect i still have to feel them, i have to live in the same body as them, and we share this life. it doesn't help that no one sees us separately. im not sure if that would help, our therapist gives us mixed signals when it comes to separation vs looking at us as one whole and i'm really not sure what is better for us.
our plurality is more than just psychological, but that is a big part of it, but i'm honestly not sure if treating it in a medical/therapeutic sense is what's best for us, or if a different approach would be better for us. i wish i had other plurals to talk to about this, but even then no one else's experience is going to properly line up with ours so it seems pointless to even ask because no one can give us a definitive answer, we just have to find out for ourselves.
i love our system, i love the members in here, even if they don't feel like parts of me, they do feel like friends, family, but it's hard not to feel frustrated when it feels like we're constantly fighting against one another. i want us to be able to work together but even when i understand what someone else is feeling or why they're doing a certain thing it doesn't feel like i can stop them, or at least work with them to figure things out. i want us to figure things out but i don't know how.
i just wish there was a concrete answer. do this and this will happen. because at least then the only thing we would have to decide is what we want to happen.
i don't feel like i have control over my own body sometimes, and that is really an awful feeling. it's not that i want to take that control from anyone else in the system, i don't want to do that to anyone in here and i never would intentionally, but it just really sucks to feel like i have no control of the things im doing or feeling, even if i recognize its another part that is feeling and doing these things. i still have to deal with it in some ways, and because of that it still feels like me losing control of myself in a way. having to feel emotions that don't feel like my own makes me feel like i'm being suffocated and having things forced onto me. having memories of doing things or thinking things that don't feel like me or are actively something i would never do makes me feel wrong. and there are members of our system that do feel like me, or proper parts of me, and there are other members that are much too different for me to feel truly connected to them, but no mater the disconnect i still have to feel them, i have to live in the same body as them, and we share this life. it doesn't help that no one sees us separately. im not sure if that would help, our therapist gives us mixed signals when it comes to separation vs looking at us as one whole and i'm really not sure what is better for us.
our plurality is more than just psychological, but that is a big part of it, but i'm honestly not sure if treating it in a medical/therapeutic sense is what's best for us, or if a different approach would be better for us. i wish i had other plurals to talk to about this, but even then no one else's experience is going to properly line up with ours so it seems pointless to even ask because no one can give us a definitive answer, we just have to find out for ourselves.
i love our system, i love the members in here, even if they don't feel like parts of me, they do feel like friends, family, but it's hard not to feel frustrated when it feels like we're constantly fighting against one another. i want us to be able to work together but even when i understand what someone else is feeling or why they're doing a certain thing it doesn't feel like i can stop them, or at least work with them to figure things out. i want us to figure things out but i don't know how.
i just wish there was a concrete answer. do this and this will happen. because at least then the only thing we would have to decide is what we want to happen.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-24 02:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-03-24 07:28 pm (UTC)